Eminem: "I'm Having A Relapse"

Eminem famously has a stinging knack for dishing out, yet he crumbles when it comes back at him. He is, in short, an asswipe. Even when dishing it out with all that lengendary bile, it maintains the tone of a general to his army; he’s not creating hate so much as reifying it, allowing angry white suburban teenagers to focus it on gay people and their parents, which most of them probably did already. There is, of course, the flow:

“Well to be honest / The smell of these chronic leaves / Makes me hella demonic / They compelled me to kill this elderly man / And I get panic attacks / Pop a xanax, relax / Try to stick my fucking dick inside a mannequin’s ass.”

So, basically, same old, same old, only this time Eminem has managed to compress his “look at me I’m Slim Shady and I’m crazy” side and the “nobody understands my pain” side into one track. It remains largely unclear just why any of us should have sympathy for him, millionaire that he is off dopey homophobic/misogynist/misanthropic singles that wore thin moments after hitting the radio—but, he insists, we must pity him.

He’s clearly missing the point. It wasn’t too long ago that he spoke of being “protested / demonstrated against,” forget the fact that the protesters from GLAAD weren’t trying to beat him down for having a rough childhood, but more for making money off of advocating homophobic violence. Em just seems to believe that growing up hard excuses anything he says, and that any criticism is from the same unfair vein as his abusive mother and teachers.

“I’m Having A Relapse” proves that Em hasn’t learned a goddamn thing in his hiatus. He remains singularly obsessed: why does everyone have to beat up on little old Marshall? Because Marshall beats up on everyone, when he isn’t too busy feeling sorry for himself. It’s the behavior of a childhood bully, taking out his issues by reaching for the easiest target and lashing out. Too bad most sensible people outgrow that desire by the time they hit 14, to say nothing of their 30s. Eminem can repeat his “I don’t give a fuck” mantra all he wants, but he obviously does, so much so that he dedicates an unnecessary number of tracks to bitching about how unfair his celebrity life is. Enough with this shit. Em, you’re done. Take all that money you made and go get some help. And, most importantly, stop asking us to feel sorry for you.