R Kelly f/ T-Pain & T.I.: "I'm A Flirt"


By Eric Sams | 31 January 2008

T.I.: “Look. I’m a pretty famous guy. I’m not ridiculous-cloistered-Jacko-mega-famous, but people know who I am. My music’s pretty critically well received and my club hits, while having middling shelf lives, shake asses. So while R. Kelly indulges in his trademark megalomania let me use this dime store beat to offer you some sage advice. Don’t bring your lady friend over to me for an introduction because you’ll be inviting a comparison that isn’t likely to put you in a favorable light. And while it’s conventionally considered uncouth to straight out hijack someone’s date, I won’t be overly scrupulous in my efforts to deter her affections. Even if she’s not a rap fan, even if she confuses me with Fabolous, it’s not likely to end well for you. It’s a weakness of mine. You’ve been warned: I’m a flirt.”

T-Pain: “I’m not the most attractive cat in the club. However, this unfortunate fact could not be less indicative of the amount of ass I’m apt to pull out of any given singles-oriented establishment. You see, I reek of money. I’m a bling rapper. Braggadocio is not only excused in my line of work, it’s absolutely fucking paramount. So in a sense, domineering the space with my advanced financial assets is a line item in my job description. So while R. Kelly croons his rapacious nonsense let me issue a caveat. A not entirely-unintentional side effect of this habit is that all of the attention at the club is directed toward me from the time I arrive until the time I leave. This, pal, likely includes your lady friend there. Now there’s not much that either of us can do about the fact that wealth and its attendant power are almost universally attractive. I guess you could not bring her around to places where you knew that I was going to be, although that admittedly sounds like a somewhat ridiculous preventative measure. I’m just saying that it wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve magnetized someone else’s date away from them by sheer forceful swagger, despite the fact that I’m a chubby, dreadlocked southern guy in an oversized T-shirt. In the words of Three 6 Mafia: ‘I ain’t Denzel, but I know I’m a star.’ In the words of me: ‘I’m a flirt.’”

R. Kelly: “I’m gonna take your girlfriend, dog. I don’t care if it takes me all night. I’m going home with your girl one way or another. I will walk up to you unawares and interrupt you in mid-sentence to make inappropriate sexual overtures toward any woman with whom I see you talking. I will steal her if you so much as turn your head to cough. You better get a seat at the bar, homey, because if you leave her to go get some drinks she’ll be stowed away in my champagne-colored stretch Hummer by the time you get back. You’ll be standing there holding a Stella Artois and a mango martini with a puzzled face on. Need to go to the bathroom? Hold it. What’s more, this is your fault, son. You shoulda never brought her to the club tonight. Matta’ fact, you should know better than to take her anywhere because of the off chance that I’ll be within a five block radius. If I have to follow you even unto the front steps of your building in order to snake this chick away from you I’ll do it. Look into the void of my diamond-studded sunglasses. You know this to be true. It took seven hours for the barber to braid my hair like this, and it was all done for the single purpose of philandering other people’s loved ones. You’ve seen the videos on the internet. I beat them charges cold, kid. I’m bullet proof. I’m the king of R&B. I’m a flirt.”