Fuck the Forest, Look at the Kanye Tree

Dear Kanye,

Why did you feel the need to disgrace the legend that is King Crimson?

Signed,
21st Century Schizoid Fan

***

21ST,

HOW YOU GON CLAIM I DISRESPECTED SOME SCRAGGLY WHITE DUDES GETTIN ALL SHOUTY SHOUTY FAM?? I REINVIGORATED THAT SHIT FAM!! A FEW MONTHS AGO THAT JOINT WAS JUST “21ST CENTURY SCHIZOID MAN” BUT THEN I GOT MY HANDS ON IT LIKE MIKE JACK DID THAT HOME ALONE KID AND POOF: “21ST CENTURY SCHIZOID DAMN“!!! AND WHAT’S SO SACRIMONIOUS ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR TRACK?? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET A MAN DO HIMSELF WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY DOING A 21ST CENTURY SCHIZOID MAN FAM?!! WHY CAN’T A MAN AND HIS SWAGGER FROLIC HAND-IN-HAND ACROSS THE MUSICAL LANDSCAPE WITHOUT BEING ACCOSTED BY THE SWAG POLICE??! I’M SORRY IS THERE SOME SORT OF SWAGGER LIMIT AND AM I EXCEEDING IT??? ARE YOU LIKE THE LAMES AT THE AIRPORT WHO ARE LIKE “MR. WEST, YOU CAN’T BRING THREE WARHOL PAINTINGS, A HALF-TON OF WHITE ROSES, AND THE MILAN SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA ON THE PLANE WITH YOU”?? ARE YOU LIKE THOSE UNARTFUL PEOPLE AT THE DELTA FAM??!! BECAUSE I FLY PRIVATE JETS NOW AND I AM NOT RESTRICTED TO ONLY ONE CARRY-ON SWAG!!

AND THE SAMPLE SO PERFECTLY PARALLELS THIS POINT IN MY CAREER!!! YOU GOTTA SEE THE LAYERS FAM!!! IT’S THE 21ST CENTURY AND SOMETIMES MY LIFE IS SO CRAZY THAT I FEEL LIKE I’M GOIN SCHIZOFRANTIC FAM!! BY COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT YOU AND YOUR NERD FRIENDS’ FAVORITE BAND YOU ARE MISSING THE FOREST FOR THE TREES!! BECAUSE WHILE YOU’RE STARING AT THE KING CRIMSON TREE AND DROOLING ALL OVER YOUR K-SWISSES YOU’RE NOT LOOKING UP AT THE KANYE WEST TREE WHICH IS THE BIGGEST TREE IN THE WHOLE DAMN FOREST BECAUSE IT GENIUSLY INCORPORATES ALL THE OTHER TREES AND MAKES THEM MORE ARTISTIC!! AND IF YOU WERE A TREE YOU WOULD PROBABLY BE THE TREE THAT SHOPS AT THE GAP!!! THE GAP FAM!!!

FUCK IT FOR MY NEXT RECORD I’M FINNA SAMPLE THAT JOHN CAGE DUDE.

MARTIN LOUIS THE KING JR