The Ludacris Award for Best Rap Cameo
By Chet Betz | 14 December 2009
Kanye West :: “Kinda Like a Big Deal”
from Clipse’s Till the Casket Drops
(Re-Up Records; 2009)
CHET BETZ is presenting the CMG award in the 2009 Best Rap Cameo category. He is finishing announcing the nominees.
BETZ: …Che Grand for “Hagler,” Eminem for “Forever,” and Yelawolf for “Who’s Hood?” And the winner is…
SCOTT REID hands BETZ the envelope. BETZ opens it, looks, smiles.
BETZ: Kanye West! “Kinda Like a Big Deal”!
BETZ claps enthusiastically. Polite applause from the tens of tens of people in attendance.
BETZ: And we’ve got a surprise for all of you! Never one to miss out on accepting praise, we have with us tonight the man—or, rather, the version of the man—responsible for that incredibly fun, hooky piece of rap…ladies and gentlemen, Kanye West circa 2005!
BETZ claps again. Louder applause from the tens of tens this time.
KANYE CIRCA ’05 walks out onto the stage. His hair and clothing look relatively normal.
KANYE CIRCA ’05: Thank you, thank you, this feels well-earned. But seriously, I’d like to thank Pusha and Malice for inviting me to come to the future and be on this track with them, loved Lord Willin’, those boys are doin’ it, keep your ear out for their new record if Jive will ever let it drop. You indie kids love that, right; fuck the Man, right? You indie kids will love this, too: keep your ear out for my new record because I’m working with Jon Motherfuckin’ Brion…
KANYE CIRCA NOW rushes onto stage. He is wearing shutter shades, a suit made of white nylon, and has his own likeness buzzed into his hair.
KANYE CIRCA NOW: Listen, Kanye, I’m really happy for you, me, whatever, and I’ma let you finish…but Kanye West circa 9 months ago had one of the best rap cameos of ALL TIME! Keri Hilson’s “Knock You Down,” shit is so emotional it’s unbelievable! Just wait until you rap it, man, you’re gonna agree with me. It’s like a hundred Fall-Out Boys rolled up into one verse! Emo-rap! E-MO-RAP! It’s the wave of the future!
Video feed cuts to a quick shot of KANYE CIRCA 9 MONTHS AGO sitting in the audience and nodding his head in agreement. The tens of tens around him are shaking their heads, covering their mouths, eyes semi-wide (not really all that surprised, though).
KANYE CIRCA ’05 stares blankly at KANYE CIRCA NOW for a moment.
KANYE CIRCA ’05: Are you…me…now?
KANYE CIRCA NOW: Yeah, man, I’m you now!
KANYE CIRCA ’05 nods slowly, looks at audience.
KANYE CIRCA ’05: I think I’d like to kill myself now.
KANYE CIRCA NOW starts to shake violently. Gasps and murmurs of horror emanate from the tens of tens. Like a chest-bursting Alien, a cute little rodent Kanye explodes out of KANYE CIRCA NOW’s torso. KANYE CIRCA NOW crumples to the stage.
RATYE scurries across the stage, climbs up the leg of KANYE CIRCA ’05, and forces his way into his mouth, down his throat.
KANYE CIRCA ’05 shudders, his eyes roll back for a moment, and then he shakes his head and lifts his gaze to the tens of tens now scrambling for the exit.
BETZ rushes onto the stage, waving his hands for attention.
BETZ: Please, everyone, don’t go yet! This was just a silly conceptual stunt on our part in an attempt to explain how Kanye could drop such a hot verse in a time where he is more interested in destroying himself than in doing good music…
KANYE opens his mouth.
KANYE: I’m not loving you / the way I wanted to…
BETZ: …and so it’s like Kanye’s best work, Late Registration for one, doesn’t fully exist in the light of what he is now. Those are moments lost in time and this great verse will follow suit and then all that will be left will be…
BETZ is drowned out by “Love Lockdown.” Forever.