Features | Awards

The Obligatory Violent Death in Toph's One Act Play Award

By Christopher Alexander | 17 December 2009

Awarded to Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from Jersey Shore

“The Situation Acts out a Sight Gag from The Simpsons before Being Killed in the Blast Fires of Armageddon.”

A play in one act.

CHARACTERS:
MIKETHE SITUATION” from Jersey Shore – played by himself
A BEACH BALL – played by Nathan Williams of Wavves

THE SETTING: D’Jais in Belmar, New Jersey

WE HEAR TECHNO MUSIC with a heavy emphasis on the one beat. THE CURTAIN RISES on MIKETHE SITUATION,” already involved in the ubiquitous Guido mating ritual known as “the fist-pump.” He is stripped to the waist, and while he is trying to find the best light for his oiled and sculpted abdomen—the talisman of his life, he wishes to make it shine like a trophy—he is also lamely performing a dance that looks, to the unlearned observer, as if he was punching an invisible punching bag in a perfunctory manner. THE SITUATION projects an air of cool, however, and screws his face into an approximation of an insouciant smile as he swings his fist in rhythm to the comic pulse of the 2/4 beat.

He turns to face STAGE RIGHT to better appreciate his own lower body. Now it glistens, and the light moves on his slick abdomen like quicksilver. He is pleased, and smiles more honestly then before. The audience can not notice a change. The smile doesn’t break as THE BEACH BALL comes flying out of STAGE RIGHT. It soars directly to his head.

THE SITUATION pumps his fist in time to the drum.

THE SITUATION recoils his arm, bringing his fist to somewhere parallel to his head.

THE SITUATION reaches his fist out again, and, precisely on the beat, reaches full extension of his arms and PUNCHES THE BEACH BALL. His fist, fueled by herculean amounts of Red Bull and Jägermeister, makes a round, pinging sound against THE BEACH BALL, and sends it flying some twenty feet off to stage right.

THE SITUATION then recoils his fist, and, still smiling, FACES STAGE CENTER, and extends his fist, resuming the dance.

A BLINDING LIGHT is seen as the theater erupts in flame, signaling the apocalypse. THE CURTAIN FALLS. ALL ARE JUDGED.