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Established and Committed Hard Rock Band Seeks...

By Mark Abraham | 2 July 2008

While going out for brunch a few weeks ago (shout out: Easy’s Diner at Queen and Ronces in Toronto is fucking amazing) I saw this advertisement:


Established and Committed Hard Rock Band seeks drummer

Influences include; Motley Crue, GNR, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, MC5, The Stooges, the Sex Pistols, Megadeath, Faith No More

Serious inquires only please

Okay, only vaguely giggle-inducing. But. BUT: the contact email was CJSLEEZ@server.com. Ha!

As it turns out, that’s not actually some awesome lead singer’s stage name but rather the name of a band. Still, it got me thinking: what would some awesome email handles be for people responding to this advertisement?


IRONEDDY is a drummer, yes, but he’s also an Iron Maiden fan. In fact, Iron Maiden is pretty much his reason to exist. In part that’s because he started out as the third guitarist in a hard rock band and, let’s face it, when you’re the third guitarist you’ve basically got Iron Maiden and GNR to choose between. IRONEDDY isn’t even really all that good at drums, but his enthusiasm will rock you to your core.


EDISAWESOME is also a Maiden fan, but EDISAWESOME can’t play the drums at all. He’s that guy who sits around at all the shows and just waits for an opportunity to talk about Iron Maiden, or for somebody to bring up Iron Maiden, or thinking up creative tangents (that really aren’t that creative) to lead the conversation he’s having around to Iron Maiden. Because Iron Maiden rocks, and he wants you to know this important fact.


The band’s old drummer, who is old and kind of not cool and somebody’s uncle and he was a jazz drummer who just need a gig and he’s kind of pissed that he’s not in the band but to tired to show up for practice and too tired to go to shows but too alone to no and everybody is all, “JOE!”, every time he shows up anyway. He’s thinking of getting a new handle: SADJOEROCKER@server.com. Although “78” wasn’t a compromise, here; SADJOEROCKER misses 1978 a lot.


Cool, professional; his email tells you so. It also tells you he is boring and probably wears collared golf shirts and khakis and he’s bring that out-of-context drummer syndrome to your image that plagues so many, many hard rock bands. Don’t fall for it, CJSLEEZ, even though KICKMAN’s signature lists all 42 kit pieces he’s got rigged up!


DIRTYSANCHEXXX is a lead guitarist, but it doesn’t matter that he misread the ad, because his email address tells you he means it, with its clever portmanteau of “dirty sanchez” and “xxx.” He heard about both of those on the internet, which he never actually looks at because he’s too busy playing Van Halen-style solos and pouring beer on his fans and snorting coke off of groupies’ bodies. His real name is “Phil.”


METÄLHEAD111 is so hardcore he doesn’t care if his emails don’t get through because they can’t use umlauts. Umlauts are metal, right?


KICKYOURFACEIN is an awesome drummer. Like, the best. Like, he actually will double-kick your puny face in with his pummeling. He’s awesome except for one thing. Well…two things, since he also is notorious for his fits of anger and his inability to not rip his set apart during the encore, often whipping toms out into the audience. But his one thing is that he can’t play a high hat. Apparently it reminds him of a laughing puppet’s mouth. Weird.


Fucking beatnik!


“‘Niagra Won’t Fall’? That’s…kind of cool.”

“Yeah, but can he play like Shawn Drover?”


“Uh, is that one of those new metal bands?”

“Or nu-metal…”

Stay proud, CJSLEEZ, and don’t compromise.