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Top 11 Ill-Advised Music-Related Ice Breakers Guys Dumbly Use to Try to Pickup

By Leah Wahl | 2 July 2008

Based on real conversations Leah’s had at her bartending gig.

Scenario 01

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “Talk Talk.”

GUY: “I love David Bryne.”

GIRL: “No. Talk Talk.”

GUY: “What?”

GIRL: “You know. That band No Doubt covered?”

GUY: “Oh man. You like Gwen Stefani?”

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 02

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “Iron and Wine.”

GUY: “Oh yeah, totally. That must be the new one.”

GIRL: “No. That’s Creek Drank the Cradle.”

GUY: “Oh…I bet I could learn how to chord this on my guitar.”

GIRL: “Oh…cool.”

GUY: “Hey…do you like Death Cab for Cutie?”

GIRL: [Changes music to Cyndi Lauper.]

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 03

GUY1: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “Betty Davis.”

GUY1: “Oh yeah. I’ve heard of her. She’s that…singer, right?”

GIRL: “Yeah, I think she’s Mile Davis’s sister.”

GUY2: [Comes running from across bar._] “_Actually, she’s Miles Davis’s wife, and they met through a collective, and on this album you will note that the original Sly & the Family Stone group is backing her…”

GIRL: [Sighs.] “Oh…sorry. I guess I don’t know anything about music. Maybe you should buy that guy a drink.”

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 04

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “The Shape of Jazz to Come.”

GUY: “Jazz, eh? Do you like jazz? I love all music. Except country. And hip hop.”

GIRL: “Wu-Tang Killa Bees is the swarm!”

GUY: “Excuse me?”

GIRL: “Do you need a menu or what?”

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 05

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “Duh. It’s Hall & Oates, beyatch!”

GUY: “It’s so cheesy and bad.”

GIRL: “You do not maka my dreams come true. Get out.”

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 06

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “Daft Punk.”

GUY: “Can you play whatever you want?”

GIRL: “Yeah, it’s just my iPod.”

GUY: “Oh. Do you have any Depeche Mode?”

GIRL: “I don’t think so.”

GUY: [Smugly.] “Oh.”

GIRL: But I do have, uh…let’s see: Art Ensemble of Chicago, Alemayehu Eshete, Alemu Aga, Angels of Light, Animal Collective, Ann Peebles, Arthur Russell, Asha Bhosle & the Kronos Quartet…um—what?”

GUY: [Stares blankly.]

GIRL: “Okaaay. I’ll just give you a few more minutes to decide.”

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 07

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “Betty Harris.”

GUY: “So…you like soul music?”

GIRL: “I guess. I like Betty Harris.”

GUY: “Y’know, it’s interesting about soul music. I took a class in university once. Do you know that rock ‘n’ roll is derived from soul music? In the African American community…”

GIRL: [Nods politely; fantasizes about riding bareback on a unicorn with Mariah Carey.]

GUY: “…so yeah. Soul is really interesting.”

GIRL: “Every time the hooves touch the ground a rainbow appears.”

GUY: “Sorry?”

GIRL: “Do you want a beer or not?”

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 08

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “Kelly Clarkson.”

GUY: [Not Listening.] “You know, there’s this band you’d probably like. If you want, I can burn you a copy.”

GIRL: “Like a mixtape!?!”

GUY: “No…uh, I’ll just burn you the CD. They’re called Neutral Milk Hotel.”

GIRL: “Oh. You’re going to burn me a copy of In the Aeroplane Over the Sea? Wow. It’s real sexy when a guy tries to pick me up using a band whose agoraphobic leader hasn’t put out an album in ten years. Where’s Lil’ Wayne at?” [Proceeds to jam out to Mr. Carter.]

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 09

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to? Do you like experimental music? Is that the new Fuck Buttons?”

GIRL: “That’s the sound of the fucking cappuccino machine.”

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 10

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to? Wait. Are you seriously listening to Mariah Carey?”

GIRL: “Oh Mariah, take me away from all of this.”

[_Exeunt_]

Scenario 11

GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”

GIRL: “The sound of a jackass who doesn’t actually care what I think about music and who fails to realize the only reason I’m putting up with him is to score a tip off his beers.”

GUY: “Oh. Is that a new album?”

GIRL: “Nope. Girls have been listening to that shit forever.”

[_Super Exeunt_]