The CMG Hatebag, Vol. 1

You were eighteen years old at the time, but when you tell the story to friends or on third or fourth dates, when scotch enters the equation and sexual histories are broached, you say that you were fifteen. It makes you sound more experienced, your sensibilities more fully honed. Suzanne Beachley, braces attracting invisible radio signals, red hair escaping clasps with an urgent frizz, smelled a bit too much like cats, perspired a bit too much with nervousness. But she held the key to something that was, at least for your repressed Catholic upbringing, so monumental and yet so abstract. You knew you needed It. You just weren’t quite sure what “It” was yet. It was to be six minutes and forty seconds of both education and ecstasy.

You were both jumpy. Her giggle peaked and then broke into a strangled caw that you tried to ignore but understandably became fixated on. You acted indifferent, then pressed too hard, and then overcompensated with more indifference by feigning interest in a television program. You knew that the window of your parent’s semi-monthly dinner at Outback was fast sliding closed and the specter of this lost opportunity might haunt you both for the rest of your young lives, which you had vowed to end before hitting thirty. Drastic action, a détente, was called for.

You pulled from behind your pillow a CD wallet. You can remember feeling its weight, as if indicating that, yes, you were correct — having the combined artistic output of Jerry Cantrell, the Gandharvas and Sloan in your corner will catalyze this event. You select, as a dueler might his choice of weapon or a golfer his club, a plastic disc and slide it sensually into the player. Your choosing was careful. This will be Your Band, the one you will have a special connection to for the rest of your life, as inseparable as your extremities. From this point on every time you hear the singer’s characteristic nasal hackery you will think of this evening and the cosmic heights of pleasure you were preparing to scale, and smile knowingly to yourself. Every new album this band releases from now until the end of your life will be a reminder of what you and Suzanne Beachley shared.

Except something is wrong — you don’t remember there being someone else in the room. Who is that man, in your bedroom, in your recliner? Why is he sitting there, smoking his cigarette, hacking a cough into his balled fist? Who is Sparks, and why is this man wearing their t-shirt? He’s staring at your stereo with inexplicable malice, occasionally rolling his eyes and gesturing in mock defeat. You can’t help but pause in your navigation of Suzanne’s metal-lined teeth as he speaks:

“That guitar tone is meant to imply late-sixties arena balladry, but really says “I’m imposing myself on a time period I was born too late to enjoy!” The figure, seeming pleased with himself, jots this down on the back of a receipt he produces from faded corduroys. You try to return to the task at hand, wondering why Suzanne’s belt buckle was designed to be so overly complicated.

The figure, sipping from a flask, then stands and walks over to the stereo, turning it louder.

“No, no, no! What is this garbage? Pompous conceit, that’s what! Who is he to criticize mall kids?” The figure sits on the edge of your bed and begins muttering to himself, grinding out his cigarette on your bedroom carpet as he rests his head in his hands.

You don’t remember any of this happening the first time through; this intruder has inserted himself. He’s ruined Your Band, and thereby ruined your memory of the moment that made them Your Band. This man is a cock: self-centered and unaware but…wait, that guitar tone does sound like a bad estimate of late-sixties arena balladry. His correctness seems like a weight, crushing the both of you slowly. You mouth silently to Suzie, “just one sec,” and roll over to seat yourself at his side.

“Hey man,” you say, feeling awkward in boxer-briefs. “You’re a nitwit. This record is brilliant.” He seems despondent and unresponsive. He’s saying something faraway about Leonard Cohen re-releases.

You return to the task of becoming a man and fumble towards a finish even less satisfying than you remembered. You know that every time Your Band releases a new record that you will not be able to help but remember Suzanne’s look, as if she were collating data in her head. But as the album’s opening number fades, you also know that you will remember the figure. The putrid presence, a festering wound in the corner of your room like a Lynchian sidebar. His smell, not unlike the smell of the back seat in an old car…

This is your hate. This is our hatebag.

*****

Re: Dears: Gang of Losers

Wow, pretty harsh. Was it necessary? It appears that Gang Of Losers really struck a nerve. Either that or one of us killed your dog or stole your boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t know if we should be apologising or what. I mean,we’re still happy with it. It sadddens me personally to know that you loathe it so much. It’s really too bad because it was written for you, from the heart and all that cheesy stuff. Maybe you’ll give it another chance someday? Anyway, good luck with everything.

Yours,
Murray Lightbun

*****

Re: Bloc Party: A Weekend in the City

Let’s see here, I’m going to go ahead and forgive a professional review the mistake of "Bloc Party want to be as anthemic" and the natural flaw in grammar here. I’m also going to go ahead and accept that "anthemic" is used in the context of anthem or it’s actually a word. I also want to know how many times your itunes or media player has actually played through A Weekend In The City.

I understand that writing reviews on albums must be a difficult task, ripping apart an album on a set schedule takes some talent.

Let’s talk about your review Conrad. You started a review pretty much like any other Internet reviewer would start it. (Pitchfork / Stylus / Filter etc.) You acknowledge that you enjoyed the debut album "jumped on the bandwagon" or the album previous, you list some flaws and then you wrap it up nicely "what Okereke is doing this weekend" to mirror the album you are reviewing now. But this one is surprising, you throw in some references to Green Day and U2. While this is slightly annoying, considering you should be comparing Gang of Four or Sonic Youth if you should be comparing at all, you try to allude to very-American based bands. That’s fine. Now what starts to get annoying in your review is the pseudo-intelligent quips on politics and consumerism. It makes sense of course, if a song writer is going to write songs about politics or consumerism then naturally a reviewer should write reviews about the song writers politics and ideals. Because this follows natural order, I’m going to go ahead and talk about your widely awesome generalization about "Price of Gas". According to an actual quote by Kele the song is about "denial and complacency." It’s not really making "blind judgements" on politics. But I guess it’s okay to just joke instead of actually defending your point.

Moving on, let’s talk about when you analyze certain songs. You talk about the opener to the album Song for Clay (Disappear Here) and insert a joke about brackets. Clever, I get humor with my bullshit. Then you wildly assert / "assume" his aims for the songs, Nick Cave or Scott Walker. Hey, atleast they are actually British this time (more jokes!). Now if you actually had any idea of what the song was truly about or what it was influenced by you would have included it or at least referenced it in the review, rather than throwing out haughty assertions. If you had properly listened or even used Google before writing your review, you would have noticed that it was inspired by Bret Easton Ellis. I would argue that Song for Clay (Disappear Here) is one of the greatest album openers ever. If you have read Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis, this songs meaning will become more apparent as Kele sings " pity won’t save / cocaine won’t save you / when we kiss I feel nothing / disappear here / people are afraid to merge." Instead Conrad, you just level lines and connect them to " appropriate level[s] of dread." That’s alright, Conrad. You at least managed to get it was dreadful.

The problem I have with your review Conrad, is that you try so hard to reference the old album for a staple in decision making, but you fail to realize that this isn’t Silent Alarm Part II. Again and again, you reference "Price of Gasoline," / "Like Eating Glass," / "Blue Light," / "This Modern Love," / "Price of Gasoline," / "Banquet," / "So Here We Are". That’s seven references to the first album Conrad. The first album had 13 tracks. Just six more and it would have been the entire album. The problem with your review is you leave out tracks like Hunting for Witches and SRXT, and when you are reviewing the second album you should probably talk about THOSE tracks. I don’t want to hear about the old album, I know what it was, I listened to it. And if I didn’t I wouldn’t read this review, I would probably be reading the Silent Alarm review. This album isn’t Silent Alarm Part II. So when you spend so much time comparing and contrasting each album, it’s sophomoric and weak. You lose your thunder. You aren’t professional. The credibility of you as a writer is less than zero (more bad jokes!) when you make jokes about Okereke "what Okereke is doing this weekend" / " make sense of bad teenaged poetry’s directionless angst" (maybe that wasn’t suppose to be funny, but you understand that your writing is that confusing) , or when you bitch about song-writers writing about politics. Maybe you just want somebody "barking instead of singing", but some people enjoy songs that talk about politics. I’m not going to go vote based off Okereke is saying, but it’s a little deeper in my "pop song with a nice chorus." If you’re going to base a review so much off bashing political themes, who are you to judge anything about politics? I’m going to go ahead and assume you just made a gaffe.

Now, let’s give credit to A Weekend in the City. I imagine, since you clearly stated that "Price of Gasoline" was the worst song, that following naturally, you really enjoyed the popish Banquet and Helicopter. Kele Okereke has released an excellent album top notch in every respect to Silent Alarm. This album is NOT Silent Alarm Part II, so don’t bitch when it doesn’t sound exactly like it " Bloc Party are too early into their career / studio gimmickry for invigoration". Kele has progressed to another level with his vocals; his sound is more redefined, the album is far mellower and lyrically based on initial listen but when you listen more and more the reasons for progression start to fall into place. Bloc Party has invented a different sound for themselves. Kele Okereke stresses the new album is based around the theme of city life, and this album hits it right on the nose giving you the expected effect lyrically. The allure of drugs, the talk of cocaine, the moment of dancing, the question of second-generation children (which you completely forgot to mention, rather included 7 other references that don’t fit), brief blips of happiness (Sunday, which you don’t really mention rather you just wrap up three to four tracks at the end of your review because you are tired of writing / joking), and conformity make this album’s themes poetic. It’s not poetic is it Conrad? It’s just a mindless cluster-fuck. I assumed to see Hunting for Witches on your review with all the bitching about politics, another paragraph with inviting pseudo-intelligent joke-commentary on post-London bombing / post-9/11 reactions. Let’s talk about another track you completely failed to acknowledge: SRXT. That’s not a big deal at all considering it is after-all the album closure and actually on the album. I mean why include it in anything when you have eight other bullshit-ridden paragraphs? SRXT creates the perfect mood for an album closure, it "sings / not barks" sadness that the album is themed, as the song itself is about sadness. But it’s okay, I’m probably just a emo-mindless-angst teen that doesn’t know anything. Wake up and smell the fucking reality.

Your emo-directionless-angst fan-base…

*****

Re: R. Kelly: TP3 Reloaded

You have no idea of what your talking about and I can’t believe I spent three minutes of my life reading your review. I just had to see what could you say about an album that is so unique and creative. If you cant understand the 20 min soap opera then go back to school and this time pay attention. I dont agree with the man on pissing on a young girl, but him and his music are two different issues. And one more thing if your paying that much attention to a cover to see a boner that is not there you might need to come out of your own closet.

*****

Re: …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead: So Divided

I read the review of ToD’s So Divided by Eric Sams and, I must say, his classmate got it right…he’s a “musical elitist”…and I mean that in the “he is the transcendental prodigy of progressive dissonant prowess while those who cannot understand his inexplicable love affair with Source Tags and Codes are pathetic pop-tart peons devoid of musical taste” sense of the term.

Only a musical elitist would fail to appreciate Mannheim Steamroller. Chip Davis is a bad-ass motherfucker. You put a Prophet 5 or Memory Moog Synthesizer in front of that guy and he’ll launch you aurally into an anti-gravitational bone-chilling warp-zone, half-way to Cassiopeia and back, leaving a trail of stardust and harmonic brilliance.

Let me guess, Sams likes the Decemberists and the Shins too, doesn’t he? Wouldn’t surprise me. You sell-outs are all the same. Oooh, look at me, I like bands that you probably haven’t hear of. Yeah, real cool, you fucking conformists. I have an idea, try rolling into town with a little “Invisible Touch” by Genesis blasting on your stereo system. Now that’s a non-conformist. (And by the way, Invisible Touch IS one of the best albums of all genres of music of all time.)

*****

Re:Muse: Black Holes & Revelations

MUSE IS GOD!!!!!!! you put out a horrible review of the new album… just thought you might wanna know from someone who actually knows what good music is…’ there are 3 of the most talented musicians i have ever heard in that band… and i saw them play live and they sound like 8 people… to me any band that can make a sound like that is good music… and they deserve some respect dispite whether or not you think they are creating this music to please the public. to me, every piece of music they put out is gold, and according to you they are profecient in putting out catchy number after number… who cares, thats what there job is, to make songs that people like the listen to because if you dont make songs that people like to listen to, then you are unsuccesful. thats a very simple concept to understand. i was in a band for 5 years and i know what good song writing is. i was also a classical trumpet player and was one of the best in new york state in my prime, and i know what musical talent is, and these guys have both. they deserve the respect that you didn’t give them.

*****

Re: J Dilla: Donuts

First off, i would like to say that you obviously have a less than stellar grasp on hiphop production (please don’t let this sentence persuade you to stop reading now) and a obvious bias toward white guys making hiphop. (Edan reference AND Jel reference in the same review??)

I’ll start off by using this

The simple fact, though, is that we have this sterling example of instrumental hip-hop to celebrate, and now we have a dead Jay Dee to mourn, and life leaves us no room for questioning.

a “dead jay dee to mourn”???? The man (for lack of a better term) hasn’t been gone more than 2 months, and already this type of overt language about his passing makes the final cut for this piss poor review?

Secondly

In my review of Med’s Push Comes to Shove, I called Jay Dee a “wack-ass drum connoisseur.”

How can you make a statement about Jay Dee’s drums based off of 2 tracks for MED in 2005? His drum choice and style of programming on MED’s album was a reflection of a certain period in Jay’s production career, showing his ability to do different things. Push shows Jay’s ablility to construct a mainstream tempered “club song” while keeping it rooted in true school hiphop….the other beat on Push Comes to Shove…..you can’t be serious……the kick programming (not to mention his use of various different velocity on the kicks) is light years ahead of Jel’s choice of kick drums. (And i have both Jel albums, purchased both of them, so this is no diss to the man)

Third

The promotional sticker on this album’s shrink wrap, however, has Kanye proclaiming, “Jay Dee is a drum god. His drums can only be paralleled, they can’t ever be topped.” Kanye’s been wrong before (he was wrong about his Grammy outfit, for instance), and he’s wrong again. As Newell has previously noted, Slug says that Jel can program an amazing drum sequence on his SP 1200 in about five minutes. On a bad day and, say, with only two minutes working time, Jel would still out-drum Dilla.

First of all, the drum hits on Donuts are not supposed to be of the same caliber of a “standard” hiphop beat……they are not designed to counteract the sample. the choice of drums directly reflects the original mood of the song he sampled…for instance, Last Donut of the Night keeps the claps vibe in tact from the original Moments song Jay spliced up for the beat……Dilla Says Go uses trap hits to keep the Trammps vibe alive but still allowing the drums to stand out in the mix.

Kanye West was not referencing Jay Dee’s “Drum God” status based on Donuts alone either sir. He was referencing Dilla’s 10+ year career in hiphop as being the defining source in drum choice/programming. Go back and listen to Pharcyde’s – “Bullshit”…..or “Wordplay” by ATCQ (that’s A Tribe Called Quest….he produced that in 1996, prolly while Jel was hitting puberty) His drum display on Donuts only shows his ability to ALWAYS make the drums fit the beat………why would he have a super break heavy drum sequence on a beat like One Eleven? He made beats that sound like SOUL SONGS….if you are wondering why Kanye is calling him a Drum God, do the research before you pull Jel’s pants down.

The problem’s that his sequencing often relies on single drum strokes or standard 4/4 kicks paired with trap taps, nary a fill or stutter or change-up to be heard.

Hey Einstein….THIS IS HIP-HOP!! HIP-HOP IS A 4/4 sequenced genre! Last time i checked hiphop wasn’t rapping over 5/8 jazz standards.

Did you notice the different alternating snares on EVERY SINGLE TRACK?

I find myself very thankful that this disc doesn’t reach for innovations, doesn’t try to prognosticate the future.

I just got an income tax check refund in the mail for $2,000….if you can construct a list of 10 hiphop beats in the last 20 years that even remotely use the techniques Jay used on Donuts, i will send you half of my check directly to your bank account sucka. Hi and Bye alone redefine chopping soul records alone, not to mention chopping Lightworks to say “light up a spliff” or 10CC to say “buy me”……FROM A HOSPITAL BED.

if you really wanna enjoy donuts, you can either call me and i will explain it in layman’s terms to you, or you can just turn off Jel’s album next time you are listening to it.

I’ve already spent too much time on this, but you really pissed me off with the falsehood of this review…..remind me again how you got a job reviewing hiphop records.

*****
Re: Destroyer: Rubies (Counterpoint)

i am 21 yrs old, an english writing and finance major at the university of pittsburgh. i really enjoy the album destroyer’s rubies, and i read coke machine glow from time to time. i have to say your recent review of the album was so convoluted, uninformative, excessive, self-important, unneccesary, you could have easily deleted half of it, etc… i’m kind of drunk and stoned, but… i mean, i understand you love this music and like to write about it, but what were you thinking? how old are you? do you think your article is entertaining? harsh, i know. i’m sorry. just interested in hearing your logic.

*****
Re: Can: Reissues

Is this a joke? If so it’s not funny and no one will get it. Can recorded these albums decades ago, not last year. To write a review so ignorant is just insulting. I could say it’s funny or even sad reading Newell’s musings on Can’s modern-day influences, but it’s actually maddening. I never write letters of complaint, especially for something so seemingly petty, but this takes the cake.

The original release dates and other historical info can be found in the liner notes, for god’s sake.

*****

Re: Nine Inch Nails: Year Zero

I had to write that for what it’s worth (probably not much), your review of Year Zero ignores the masterful beauty that Reznor achieves on his new album. It’s a shame that lyrics and repetition of idea alone are overriding concerns compared to compositional audacity and brilliance of sound. One gets the impression if Mozart or Shostakovitch had to write their own librettos or didn’t change their sound radically between operas and symphonies no critic of the modern age would give them their due! Thankfully this has not been entirely the case for Reznor, nor even for Year Zero. But your review in particular is grossly ill-considered.

If you care to read further:

I’ve never given up on Reznor, mostly because I get what he’s doing. He loves music. Now there’s an idea! The real cliches at work today aren’t the fat goths or disaffected teenagers who, if we are to believe the critics we read, keep an act like NIN in business after 20 years. Rather it is the art-students-cum-Manhattan-socialites who bend the ears of critics whom never have to be asked twice to dump a veteran for a new act. Like Alanis Morissette on speed, the “Of Montreal”‘s and the “Bright Eyes” that are all the rage today read straight from their hokey journals as though clunky yapping of their “deep” thoughts are going to interest the listener more than a compelling expanse of SOUND. They stretch a song’s purpose way past any sense of elegance to accommodate their high school level prose. Is this open mic night?

Music is sound, and I think you’ve missed how well Reznor propels the idea of music as sound, at once shocking and accessible. And how incredibly vital that is right now? It’s a tightrope that is too often under-appreciated and misunderstood. Yeah he may be treading water a bit. And yeah maybe his lyrics are “hopeless” as you so snidely pointed out. But he succeeds where almost no one else does. And what he succeeds at is more integral to MUSIC, sir.

So the music industry is what it is. And critics froth at the mouth to find a reason to sneeze at earnest artists, especially if they’re in their 40’s, are successful, and have a few albums under their belt. It’s like what they say about senators running for president: they never win because there’s a record of every vote they’ve ever cast. No one hates an Obama because he hasn’t had to voice many follow-ups. Artists who’ve been around a while are only as good as some critic’s ambient impression of what they “are”. It’s never about the music in hand.

Year Zero is nowhere NEAR a mere 57% approval. However, I’d say your review of it pretty much nails that score.

*****

Re: ???

You’re a prententious nitwit and you have falied to perform the task at hand. Which was to compose a RECORD review. Not write a shortsighted asshole analysis of the man’s appearance.

*****

Re: Elliott Brood: Ambassador

Because of asshole music snobs like you, alot of music has been ruined. Your criticism of Elliot Brood is completely irrelevant to their music. Who cares where they grew up and how long they have been playing the banjo. Also what genre other people put them in has nothing to do with the music that they play. You should probably spend more time actually listening to the music and not what everyone thinks about them. Please write back i’d really like to know what your thoughts are on this.

*****

Re: Death Cab for Cutie: Plans

Your review of death cab’s “plans” only makes you sound like an out-of-touch asshole. If lyrics were written the way you wanted them artists would just be stringing together poetic lines from compleley unrelated thoughts, and glueing them together into a modern stew that stuck-up assholes like you can get off in so they feel awesome. Gibbard’s lyrics are honest, and simply because YOU don’t relate to them doesn’t make them childish.

You are an ass. *****

Re: My Chemical Romance: The Black Parade

I recently read, or more appropriately, laughed, at your review of The Black Parade on Coke Machine Glow.
Before i start criticising your review, i would like to first insult your reviewing skills.
If you are going to comment on a person, at least do your research.
True, Gerard was inspired to do something with his life after witnessing the 9/11 attacks in NYC, thus forming MCR.
False, The Black Parade is ABOUT the 9/11.
He came home and wrote a SONG (Skylines and Turtstiles), NOT an album, i’ll get to what The Black Parade is about later.

First of all, Gerard is not “obsessed with tragedy in general”, he simply writes from the heart, telling stories about (usually ficticious) people, with a knack at bringing accross emotion, due to his personal experiences.

Which i suppose would make someone like you call them ‘emo’, (which MCR are NOT, if anything describable, they are hardcore-pop) isn’t music meant to be an expression of emotion ANYWAY?? So technically you should be calling, oooh lets, see, Kelly Clarkson ‘emo’.

I don’t think i have ever met someone who cares so much about what a band looks like, rather than their sound.

If you wanna hear screamo listen to Underoaths Define the Great Line.
If the structure of this email seems strange it’s because i’m trying to address ignorance as it appears in your reveiw.
Once again, The Black Parade is fictional, so when Gerard refers to a parade he was taken to as a child, it didn’t actually happen
I’ll get to who the “you” is, actually i’ll butt in here with it and the what the album’s about.

The story of the album is about a man who is dieing of a form of heart cancer (i’m not familliar with the name) that drains your blood and eventually takes more than your heart is making, thus, killing you.
Anyway, he’s in hospital, dieing, and finally when death comes, it comes to him as a parade.
Gerard has ben quoted on more than one occasion saying that he would like to think that when death comes, it comes in the form of your strongest memory, in this characters case, or the Paitients (as he i very Marilyn Mansonlike named) case, it comes as a parade.
Anyway, the rest of the album is spent as the man looks back on his life (so disenchanted is NOT about 9/11) untill finally he’s come to terms with the fact that he’s dieing (Famous Last Words) and filally kicks the bucket, but no one, not even Gerard himself is certain if he actually dies.

Oh my god!! Could you have at LEAST got the lyrics off the internet??
A couple of errors in your rendition of the song, your put “Until I die” when it’s actually “Do or die” and not such a big error, but it’s “Because the WORLD will never take my heart” possibly something to do with his condition, i don’t know.
And in my opinion, the “you” reffered to in Welcome To The Black Parade, is death and all the negartive forces in the world, saying that despite setbacks and interferences, he won’t give up. Once again, possibly something to do with his condition, i don’t know.

I think that lyrically this album has tried to put to words something that isn’t very easily describable, the only similarity that comes to mind is Yellowcards Ocean Avenue, a whole album (minus a couple of songs) about a moment in time. And if you really are the 9/11 druggy you make yourself out to be listen to the song Believe off that album, pretty simple, but lyrically, very powerfull.

I’m not going to comment on your opinion of the song Sleep.
But i am going to say that the album can’t depart from the punk standard, because it was never THERE.
The album is theatrical, with a varied amount of alternative and other genres.
And if it sounds fake, it’s because, you try standing in a recording booth, singing the same line over and over and over and over and over and over again, it’s like acting.
Does this make Gerard a bad musician? No, this makes him HUMAN, because he gets TIRED, do you get tired?? Do you sleep?? Becuase if you do i suggest you stop critising people about the authenticity of things they do when their tired
Ironically, the song’s titled Sleep.

In WHAT way are TBP and American Idiot similar???
One’s about lfe and death, the other’s about a boy who goes off to fight in the war (from my knowledge it is, if not, do enlighten me, or find a knowledgable source to)
And if this album gets criticised it will be because the younger generation (i am aware that i am a part of that, but do not socialize with the group i’m about to talk about) is used to listen to pure CRAP about “booty calls” and “fo shizzle”. So anything resembling some form of musical talent (and therefore emotion) would come accross and ‘emo’ (which is actually short for emotive hardcore but that’s a whooole other topic).
And what message?? TBP HAS no message, and if it does it’s to celebrate death, not mourn it, once agian, whole other topic.

MCR are only known by their singles if you’re not a fan, isn’t that like most bands????
If you went out a bought their album and listened to it and familiarised yourself with it, you wouldn’t know them by their singles would you?
Infact, in most cases, the non-singles are more popular among fans.

I’m not going to argue with your opinion. Being a longtime MCR fan i was quite disspointed with TBP, but i wouldn’t compare it to smoke, or any of the other things you did for that matter.
If you wanna hear MCR being hollow, listen to them performing their new songs live. . . minus the orchestral backing that the album has.

And do the more socially acceptable records ALWAYS have to be happy???

And there’s a reason why Helena’s a “feel-bad-hit”, that reason is because Gerard wrote it in dedication of his recently past grandmother. She helped the band a great deal to get to where they are now.
And you can’t exactly write a song about something like that without making it sad can you?
I’ve heard of optimists but you’re just silly.

And Bullets and Revenge (their first two albums, i shorten the names, they’re too long otherwise) are NOT concept-by-numbers.
Their storylines are heavily influenced by comic books (i find great similarities in James O’Barrs’, The Crow with Revenge), and therefore have quite dark stories and themes.

Maybe you should actually DO some research and find out why Gerard is the way he is.
But i like your opinion of them, i thought it was quite, arrogant.
I recently saw them live and i didn’t actully see alll that much make up.

Unless you’re willing to start doing research and becoming human (unlike the rest of the world) and feeling some fucking emotion, please, PLEASE, stay away from reviewing.

P.S. You can use big boy words all you like, it doesn’t make you justified and/or smart.

*****

Re: Wolf Parade: Apologies to the Queen Mary (Counterpoint)

just read your review of wolf parade apologies (actually just stopped reading halfway). time to douche your keyboard. try typing your reviews with one finger in less than ten minutes. for our sake. <

*****

Re: Thom Yorke: The Eraser

Ha! “I really fucking wish this album was better”!!!!!!!

you are the lamest cunt eva!!!!!!!

are you 14? HA!!!! fuck i hate you. you really no sweeeeeeeeet fuck cunt nuth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!merry christmas cunt, hope you wake up on the right side of the bed, for your miserable fuck cunted sake. useless cunt!

*****

Re: Tool: "Vicarious"

Idiot.

*****

Re: Mars Volta: Frances the Mute

Mars Volta and at the drive in are amongst the best bands ever known to earth. Its people like U that piss me off by picking little bits and pieces out of their songs and saying its crap(for example the helicopter sounds). Unusual sounds like these are what make the mars volta and at the drive in diffarent to all of the commercial bullshit sounds that you hear on easy listening bullshit radio stations. U say that Cedric cant sing, why? cause again he doesnt sing like every other fukin band out there. That is what makes it so bloody great. This bloke Matt Stephens has no idea what he is talkin about and i guess this is why Cedric and Omar dont like critics and reporters cause all they do is babble shit that they dont no what they are talkin about.

*****

Re: Dominik Eulberg: Heimische Gefilde

I haven’t heard the album, and aside from a few singles don’t know much about Dominik Eulberg. What I do know is that you have little to no idea what your talking about. I’ll just let you know that as someone who knows enought about the kind of music Eulberg makes not to call it techno or trance, but actually use the proper genre that the artist would catergorize his sound as your a fucking fuck face. Dude, this is not techno or trance, you sound like a high school kid who thinks Fallout Boy is independent rock. Man this is minimal techno, that requieres a little more musical knowledge of the genre then you have to reven be appreciated. Like i said i have not heard to album, but man i can tell clearly by your language and review that you are not a participating member of the musical community that you are in fact reviewing. Maybe your goal was to review this album with unique insight, but if your goal is to write reviews from the point of view of an uninformed indie rock kid, whose music has nothing to do with minimal techno, that your a fuck face.

p.s. get someone knew to review ur “techno and trance” fuck faces. and try to expand past the surface bullshit like Dominik Eulberg because u can download his album, or get it in the mail. buy some vinyl fags.

*****

Re: Guillemots: From the Cliffs/Through the Windowpane

For pretentious and self-important criticism, your review takes some beating. Clever, in the worst sense of the word, any analysis of what you write reveals a paucity of understanding of either music or lyrics – which contrasts with almost all of the professional criticisms of Through the Windowpane and From the Cliffs.

Your snide opening paragraph – you should know, by the way, that Fyfe Dangerfield and Aristazabal Hawkes are real names, but if you’d researched that properly, it would have blunted your attempted rapier thrust – sets the tone for this superb example of sixth-form superficiality (maybe too kind a word), only to be followed in the laboured and tedious – and predictably repetitive – paragraphs that follow, where every opportunity to damn with faint praise is seized as if to hide your own shallowness.

In fact, you fall over yourself with endless contradictory statements which only amplify the impression of someone who sadly lacks any musical or literary sensitivity. And most of all, a sense of humour and modesty, qualities which moat who have seen, heard or met the members of Guillemots (or listened to their interviews) would attest to.

Of course, not everyone likes Guillemots, but the majority do – Metacritic arrives at a score of 84 (8.2 from users) – while the fact that the Sunday Times made the album their CD of the week, and that the Mercury Prize judges chose to nominate it suggests that, in the words of the Daily Telegraph reviewer David Cheal “a major new talent has arrived.” Back in March, he had written: “overwhelmingly, they struck me as a bright, fresh, exciting band who sound like no one except themselves”, and it is typical of the less perceptive critics that they flounder in a sea of attempted comparisons with other bands, though an interesting number make comparisons with other celebrated bands (Coldplay, Keane, Belle and Sebastian to name just a few) which are sometimes less than complimentary to those bands. Interestingly, Pitchfork write: “Guillemots’ hugeness is tied inextricably to a fundamental weirdness— which should shield the band from ill-considered comparisons to the dull bombast of Keane and their ilk.”

But enough. The really depressing thing about your review is not that you clearly dislike Guillemots’ music and/or the attention they are generating, but that you are incapable of articulating it in a constructive, thoughtful and precise manner which others, whether agreeing with you or not, could respect.

It is interesting, given your almost vitriolic description of Guillemots’ lyrics as “a festering, bloated, purplish-blue sore spot” that John Harris, writes in The Guardian: “This week, I have mostly been listening to the debut album by the Guillemots. The odd-looking quartet, who come over as a bit too smug for their own good, remind me slightly of the kind of arty-farty gadflies who would arrive on Top of the Pops circa 1983 (Blancmange, Kissing the Pink – younger readers should ask their dads), but occasionally manage to do something that still eludes most of our groups. Their semi-hit Trains to Brazil is the best example: apparently set in the aftermath of the July 7 bombings (the title, bravely, is an allusion to the killing of Jean-Charles de Menezes), it finds singer Fyfe Dangerfield alighting on one of the most moving parts of the iconography of modern disasters, whereby mobiles trill in search of the dead: “It’s 5 o’clock on a Friday morning/ One hundred telephones shake and ring.” Here, he has divined the profound in the everyday, and we should salute him. That’s the kind of trick we should now be after – what might, in the context of slightly cheerier subject matter, be characterised as seeing the cosmos in bus stops.”

QED. Perhaps, Mr Hepburn, you should not give up the day job.

*****

Re: Animal Collective: Feels

its time to re-evaluate your perspectives on life in general, starting with music.

*****

Re: Bonnaroo 2007: The Year Barack Obama Scared All the Hippies Away

You know that part in the movie, “The Royal Tenenbaums,” where Owen Wilson is talking on the phone, apparently to a critic of his recent book — and he’s talking about how the critic made a point in saying that he was, “especially not a genius?” I just want to say that this article was especially not well organized, and especially left no lasting point or impression on me. What exactly was the main point of this article. What idea are you truly trying to convey?

Hi,

In answer to your questions: I dunno.

Thanks for reading,
Dom