Features | Articles

Timeline of a Cokemachineglow Record Review

By Christopher Alexander | 1 September 2005

MONDAY
5:00PM PDT – Deadline for review.
5:15 – Download album slated to review
5:40 – Listen to first track; wrinkle nose; search allmusic.com for a pic.
6:00 – 11:59 – The West Wing Marathon on Bravo

TUESDAY
12:00AM – 1:00 – The rest of West Wing Marathon
1:05 – Listen to Warren Zevon
2:00 – 3:00 Cruise MySpace.com.
4:00 – Sleep
1:00 PM – Wake up
1:05 – Check e-mail; nothing from Scott or Aaron, phew!
1:06 – 4:00 – Cruise MySpace.com
4:15 – go to Cokemachineglow e-z board
4:16 – 5:00 – download music other people are slated to review
5:01 – Meet friends at Taco Del Mar
7 PM – Come home, West Wing on Bravo
8:12 – e-mail from Scott, subject reads “anything for this week?” do not open
8:13 – resume search of allmusic.com
8:15 – search metacritic.com
8:40 – compile best excerpts from every review
8:45 – Google search
9:15 – feel antsy, want to listen to music. Listen to Beggars’ Banquet
10:00 – find band/artist’s bio on label web-site; copy desired quotable passage and paste onto word file containing highlighted sections from other reviews
10:15 – begin to reword other passages
11:00 – feel pretty good about review’s progress; e-mail Scott and Aaron swearing that the article is already done, cite arcane problems with router, give arbitrary day and time they’ll see the review
11:01 – 11:59 – Watch downloaded West Wing episodes on computer.

WEDNESDAY
12:00 AM – 5AM – Watch downloaded West Wing episodes on computer. 5:15 – Sleep
3:30 PM – Wake up
4:00 – Head out for job hunt
4:15 – Return from job hunt claiming it’s too late to look for work anyway; complain to girlfriend about latest atrocities from the Bush administration
5:01 – Call Taco Del Mar; ask if they deliver
5:02 – Dejected; walk into kitchen and prepare third bowl of Ramen
5:23 – 7:00 – Cruise MySpace.com
7:01 - West Wing on Bravo
8:00 – Another e-mail from Scott, and this time Aaron. Don’t open.
8:02 – Update Livejournal; complain of ennui and stress
8:15 – Reopen word document containing everyone else’s review; rewrite to your satisfaction.
9:00 – The review now half-done; listen to album all the way through
9:45 – Great, another band that sounds like Olivia Tremor Control/Gang of Four/Modest Mouse/Pavement/The Cure.
9:46 – Relisten to album; find song with obvious chord changes, make a note to grandstand your “musical background”
9:57 – Gaze lovingly at own photo next to music degree; admire the imperceptible way elbow obscures the word “Community” from the diploma
10:30 – Ramen bowls 4-7
11:00 – 11:59 – Cruise MySpace.com

THURSDAY
12:00 AM – 2:30 – MySpace.com
2:31 – Implore girlfriend to write review under own byline
2:38 – Assure girlfriend it was a joke, beg her to stop throwing own clothes out window
3:00 – Write Aaron (but not Scott) saying it’s on its way.
3:15 – Go to bed.
1PM – Wake up.
1:30 – Check mail; nothing from CMG people; mail from mom asking how fictitious job interview went; fail to remember intricate web of deceit woven over last two years
1:35 – Consult notes, journals, and helpfully detailed map of said deceit; interview was for another coffee house; use details from real interviews along with fiction; wonder if mom knows all this and is merely watching me dig myself deeper
1:40 – Return to review
1:41 – Consult Nick Kent’s The Dark Stuff for sentences to steal
2:30 – Consult thesaurus
3:00 – Contrive a way to insert “vesuvian” into review of pop record
3:30 – Insert it anyway
4:00 – All done but the ending
4:01 – 6:30 – Cruise myspace.com
6:31 – Letter from Scott; this usually means site has been updated
6:32 – Site has been updated; notice unsightly “coming soon” graphic where your blurb should be
6:35 – Mom calls; relate prevaricated story; consider asking her if she’s only watching me suffer; ask for money instead
7:00 - West Wing on Bravo
8:00 – Head out for food; decide Taco Del Mar is too far; head to closer and cheaper Taco Bell
9:00 – Return to computer, roll up sleeves to work on ending
9:15 – Halfway through ending, a spark in brain for a funny, much more accurate and original review
9:16-9:59 – Ignore spark
10:00 – Spark has become a piercing wail; grab hair and scream that you want it over
10:05 – Read work so far to girlfriend; float other idea by her as well
10:10 – Girlfriend says new idea far better to the derivative work already completed
10:11 – Break up with girlfriend
10:12 – Beg for reconciliation; hands off genital region
11:00 – Heal; rewrite review from scratch

FRIDAY
4:00 AM – Finish work at 7AM Scott’s time, where he’s been working for an hour and waiting. Send draft deeply unsatisfied with finished result and laughably contrived play/article/debate format
4:15 AM – Go to bed; await firing
11 AM – Wake up
11:13 – find a number of positive e-mails in my inbox
11:18 – check e-z board; staff loves it too
12:00 PM – come out of shock
12:01 – 11:59 – forget next deadline is only two days away; cruise myspace.com