Top 12 Indie Facial Hair

12. Eugene Hütz, Gogol Bordello: The Bell Curve

Fullness: 10%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 14%
Irony: 135%
Metallic tooth bonus: 55%
Makes me want to annihilate hair from planet, memory, and historical record penalty: -88%

Total: 126

11. Eddie Argos, Art Brut: The Thin Line Between Heaven and Here

Fullness: 0%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 0%
Irony: 100%
Contribution to overall ugliness bonus: 35%

Total: 135

10. Will Oldham/Bonnie “Prince” Billy: The Yarrr

Fullness: 84%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 67%
Irony: 55%
So smug looking I want to smash his face in penalty: -27%

Total: 179

9. Kyp Malone, TV on the Radio: The Manifest Destiny

Fullness: 100%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 86%
Irony: 47%
Dramatically decreasing size of face penalty: -40%

Total: 193

8. Devandra Banhart: The Rainmaker

Fullness: 92%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 0%
Irony: 25%
Gender-bending beard bonus: +80%

Total: 197

7. Robert Lowe, Lichens: The Switchblades

Fullness: 68%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 20%
Irony: 65%
Gravity defying bonus: 95%
Cheek patchiness penalty: -40%

Total: 208

6. Ron Mael, Sparks: The Fey Fuhrer

Fullness: -15%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 0%
Irony: 200%
Camping up image of eternal evil bonus: 30%

Total: 215

5. That Guy from the Hold Steady: The Titty Tickler

Fullness: 15%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 31%
Irony: 92%
Extraordinarily seductive bonus: 64%
Hilarious sidekick bonus: 30%

Total: 222

4. Nick Cave: The Perma-frown

Fullness: 37%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 23%
Irony: 77%
Looks like Satan bonus: 90%

Total: 227

3. Keith Fullerton Whitman: The Necklace

Fullness: 85%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 28%
Irony: 81%
Stark contrast/no-‘stache, uberbeard bonus: 50%

Total: 244

2. Sam Beam, Iron & Wine: Squid Jesus

Fullness: 120%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 100%
Irony: 0%
Want to butter up my fingers and tickle his chin bonus: 35%

Total: 255

1. Doug Martsch, Built to Spill: The…Marsh

Fullness: 100%
Down-home, earthy authenticity: 100%
Irony: 0%
Cute teddy bear face bonus: 58%

Total: 258