Conrad Has Italo Disco Guilt: Alex Gaudino / Michael Gray / Benny Benassi: "Destination Calabria" / "The Weekend" / "Satisfaction"

Okay look, I’m Italian. We have our own specialized sense of guilt, a survivor’s guilt of sorts, which gnaws as us. We look back on the cultural landscape that we’ve just napalmed into a lunar surface, and the bays out of which we dropped that toxic snuff was Eurodance. We’re responsible for it. Maybe not entirely, but it’s not like the truth matters when we’ve got Wikipedia and its entry for Italo Disco, like the wagging finger of a disappointed Nonna. And we’ve influenced a whole black hole of a subculture in which all light and music criticism is eradicated:



As you can probably tell, no Italian has ever, in the history of our civilization, had sex with a woman. We really wouldn’t know what to do if we had the opportunity and frankly, with what is obviously their crazed-animal libido, they frighten us. And so, you see, we hate them. We hate how it’s only sexy if they’re secretaries with inhuman proportions. We hate their perpetual and unquenchable desire for us. We long for substance; we want a conversation, some understanding. Would a shoulder to cry on be too much to ask? We tried to write this existential dread into our music and it mutated beyond control:



It’s just so lonely on our Italian pedestal. We perfected music-as-killing machine, and at its cold, mechanical heart is the exhausting isolation of the hyper-masculine man. There’s no understanding it, and no perspective. This thing we’ve created, which has gone completely Skynet on us, is an unkillable void that is eating away at the edges of our world and will inevitable destroy us all. There’s no hope: the monolith has descended from space and landed and it is a tragic, cosmic boner.