Eminem: "We Made You"

Much as it’s generally rude to kick a man when he’s already down, I have to once again call out Eminem for continuing to sabotage any chance of a legitimate comeback. By now, anyone interested in hip hop has heard the hype: Relapse is a return to the real shit from Em, a restatement of purpose after the disappointing Encore (2004) and a prolonged hiatus. Speaking passionately about Run-DMC at their recent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, it seemed that he might actually have (gasp) matured a little bit, or at least enough to address something more serious than stale jokey bullshit and self-pity.

Not so, unfortunately. As per the tradition of “My Name Is,” “Without Me,” et al, “We Made You” is another rapid-fire recitation of jokes. Following on the disappointing diminishing returns of “Just Lose It,” “We Made You” is filled to the brim with celebrity disses. Em picks the obvious targets—Sarah Palin, Lindsay Lohan (giving him yet another opportunity to unleash some middle-school homophobia)—and then scrapes the barrel with digs at Jessica Simpson’s gut and Kim Kardashian’s ass. This is how he chooses to come back, by rhyming out an episode of Best Week Ever? The video does further damage by putting him in a Bret Michaels wig and placing him on a Guitar Hero-like background. The video also contains references to Transformers and, for reasons that I can only assume amount to “hehe, retards are funny!”, Rain Man. I’m half-expecting to see Em rip off a mask and reveal that it’s actually Andy Samberg pranking us.

Either Eminem is just painfully unaware of how limp a piece of garbage this is, or, more likely, he doesn’t care that many of these references will be dead in a couple months and just wants to sell records to the same gullible fourteen year olds who thought “Ass Like That” was a masterpiece. Sure, when I was thirteen and cared about being unpopular, “My Name Is” sounded badass, but Em’s failure to mature tells me that neither growing older nor going on hiatus have had any serious effect on how he expresses himself; we get older, he stays the same age.