N*E*R*D: "Everyone Nose"

You know all that hip(ster) clubbish, hip-hoppish, bombastic music that’s hot right now? The tracks that fall somewhere between Baltimore, L.A., Brooklyn, and yo mama? This is where it goes to die a horrible, horrible death.

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!
All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom!

Oh, okay, first few seconds, I’m feeling this. This is why N*E*R*D—a group consisting of dynamic production duo the Neptunes (Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo), along with childhood friend Shae—first caught attention back in 2001. It’s a sound that isn’t quite hip-hop, isn’t quite rock, and isn’t quite funk, but stabs blindly at elements of all three. This is a well-delivered chant, one that announces a classic summer banger. And hey, the stuttering double bass is…decent. It’s not the best thing anyone involved has ever dropped (well, okay, who’s heard of Shae outside of N*E*R*D?), but it’s serviceable, and could easily be saved by one of Pharrell’s embarrassingly odd-yet-catchy lyrics, á la “her ass is a spaceship I want to ride” (from 2003’s “She Wants To Move”). So what’s in store?

Hundred-dollar bills
Look atchoo!
Look atchoo!

Oh. It’s a song about ladies doing coke in a club. There are worse puns to be found in the song, but they hardly need to be reprinted to prove a point: this is crap. Is it ironic? Is it sincere? Is this a celebration of marching powder and the flashy women who sneak off to snort it, or a cynical look at a vacuous culture? Does it really matter? The song simply finds the guys trying to do the job they seem to think is expected of them: churn out a club-ready single with some odd subject matter. The N*E*R*D template is present—jazzy breaks, choppy saxophone samples, and even a brief section for the treacly Pharrell to assure the girls that it’s all going to be okay. How nice, there’s redemption for the party scenesters, something beneath the plastic surface. Really, though, this is just a decent beat that doesn’t develop enough, smashed upon by some of the corniest puns on record.

The title of the latest album, Seeing Sounds, refers to synasthaesia, a neurological disorder that causes a blurring of the senses. The video from “Everyone Nose” produces an appropriate portrait of the song: mugging hipsters trying to enjoy their 15 minutes, but looking like they’re having a terrible time. With the music being played, you can’t blame them.