The "Is This Childish Enough Sean Ford?" Award for Best CMG-Related Song

Wrapping Paper
“Cokemachine Glow”
(Self-released; 2010)

It’s been many long, dry years since the first song written about this very site surfaced out of nowhere in 2005: This Song is a Mess But So Am I’s “Is This Childish Enough Sean Ford?”, co-written by Xiu Xiu’s Jamie Stewart. Our glee—What’s this? CMG writer Sean Ford name-dropped by an artist none of us, least of all Sean, like? Fuck yeah!—lasted roughly as long as it took us to painstakingly transcribe the lyrics. Harsh:

“Sean Ford, I’D LIKE TO SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACE IN, YOU STUPID FUCK, YOU WORTHLESS FUCK. You can’t even spell my mom’s name right, if you had done any homework at all, you could’ve figured it out. You sure do make a lot of assumptions. What’s the matter, huh? Can’t make it with something, can’t find anything worthwhile to write about. Ever try to expell your demons by writing about them? I LAUGH AT/TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING ASSUMPTIONS YOU WORTHLESS FUCK, YOU SPINELESS FUCK.” something something something (i swear it sounds like “holy fucking writer’s block”) “you have no fucking right to (something, write about, criticize? i have no idea) me YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT. WHERE’S MY (JOURNEY??) TO YOU, SEAN FORD?? YOU WORTHLESS FUCK. THIS IS MY (unintelligible) IS THIS CHILDISH ENOUGH FOR YOU, HUH?? HUH?? IS THIS FUCKING CHILDISH ENOUGH FOR YOU????” (noise static hemlock for the ears)

Wondering where Sean is these days? Let’s just say there’s a reason we can’t disclose the location of the CMG mansion. The fear of Freddy Ruppert leaping all batshit-like out of the bushes and gnawing savagely at his neck, a la Charlie from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia attacking Santa for fucking his mom, looms. I imagine it going down like this:

Sean: (walking back to the mansion with milk and a new ’80s-style boombox for our downstairs break room, whistling along to Mclusky Do Dallas; glances bewilderingly at rustling bushes) Hey wait, who’s th—AHHHHHH
Freddy: (between gargles of blood) IS THIS CHILDISH ENOUGH … FOR YOU YET … SEAN FORD? HUH?? … HUH!?
Sean: …
Freddy:  

Last year we received the far less death-threaty tribute to Clayton Purdom, “Clayton Purdom,” courtesy of Intuition Orphan. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate the love, but: a little underwhelming. If just because a) we’re still not sure how, exactly, it’s about Clay, and b) it inherently ignored the rest of us from the title onward. Which, unlike “Is This Childish Enough Sean Ford?”, is unfortunate. I think, anyway.

But now, finally, we’ve got something to kick off every staff meeting that doesn’t creep us out in the worst way or leave us confused. Just last month, South Dakota’s Wrapping Paper delivered the first feel-good ode to CMG. Check this shit out, it’s like our very own Apple ad:

You couldn’t possibly wipe the smile off our collective face. Jealous? The good news it that, for a limited time, you can have these guys write a personalized song for you, too, by visiting their website and picking up their record for a reasonable nine bucks. Best of all? Chances are they won’t threaten to smash your “stupid fucking face” in, call you spineless, or give you a hard time about your spelling.