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Top 11 Ill-Advised Music-Related Ice Breakers Guys Dumbly Use to Try to Pickup
By Leah Wahl | 2 July 2008
Based on real conversations Leah’s had at her bartending gig.
Scenario 01
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “Talk Talk.”
GUY: “I love David Bryne.”
GIRL: “No. Talk Talk.”
GUY: “What?”
GIRL: “You know. That band No Doubt covered?”
GUY: “Oh man. You like Gwen Stefani?”
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 02
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “Iron and Wine.”
GUY: “Oh yeah, totally. That must be the new one.”
GIRL: “No. That’s Creek Drank the Cradle.”
GUY: “Oh…I bet I could learn how to chord this on my guitar.”
GIRL: “Oh…cool.”
GUY: “Hey…do you like Death Cab for Cutie?”
GIRL: [Changes music to Cyndi Lauper.]
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 03
GUY1: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “Betty Davis.”
GUY1: “Oh yeah. I’ve heard of her. She’s that…singer, right?”
GIRL: “Yeah, I think she’s Mile Davis’s sister.”
GUY2: [Comes running from across bar._] “_Actually, she’s Miles Davis’s wife, and they met through a collective, and on this album you will note that the original Sly & the Family Stone group is backing her…”
GIRL: [Sighs.] “Oh…sorry. I guess I don’t know anything about music. Maybe you should buy that guy a drink.”
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 04
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “The Shape of Jazz to Come.”
GUY: “Jazz, eh? Do you like jazz? I love all music. Except country. And hip hop.”
GIRL: “Wu-Tang Killa Bees is the swarm!”
GUY: “Excuse me?”
GIRL: “Do you need a menu or what?”
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 05
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “Duh. It’s Hall & Oates, beyatch!”
GUY: “It’s so cheesy and bad.”
GIRL: “You do not maka my dreams come true. Get out.”
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 06
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “Daft Punk.”
GUY: “Can you play whatever you want?”
GIRL: “Yeah, it’s just my iPod.”
GUY: “Oh. Do you have any Depeche Mode?”
GIRL: “I don’t think so.”
GUY: [Smugly.] “Oh.”
GIRL: But I do have, uh…let’s see: Art Ensemble of Chicago, Alemayehu Eshete, Alemu Aga, Angels of Light, Animal Collective, Ann Peebles, Arthur Russell, Asha Bhosle & the Kronos Quartet…um—what?”
GUY: [Stares blankly.]
GIRL: “Okaaay. I’ll just give you a few more minutes to decide.”
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 07
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “Betty Harris.”
GUY: “So…you like soul music?”
GIRL: “I guess. I like Betty Harris.”
GUY: “Y’know, it’s interesting about soul music. I took a class in university once. Do you know that rock ‘n’ roll is derived from soul music? In the African American community…”
GIRL: [Nods politely; fantasizes about riding bareback on a unicorn with Mariah Carey.]
GUY: “…so yeah. Soul is really interesting.”
GIRL: “Every time the hooves touch the ground a rainbow appears.”
GUY: “Sorry?”
GIRL: “Do you want a beer or not?”
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 08
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “Kelly Clarkson.”
GUY: [Not Listening.] “You know, there’s this band you’d probably like. If you want, I can burn you a copy.”
GIRL: “Like a mixtape!?!”
GUY: “No…uh, I’ll just burn you the CD. They’re called Neutral Milk Hotel.”
GIRL: “Oh. You’re going to burn me a copy of In the Aeroplane Over the Sea? Wow. It’s real sexy when a guy tries to pick me up using a band whose agoraphobic leader hasn’t put out an album in ten years. Where’s Lil’ Wayne at?” [Proceeds to jam out to Mr. Carter.]
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 09
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to? Do you like experimental music? Is that the new Fuck Buttons?”
GIRL: “That’s the sound of the fucking cappuccino machine.”
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 10
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to? Wait. Are you seriously listening to Mariah Carey?”
GIRL: “Oh Mariah, take me away from all of this.”
[_Exeunt_]
Scenario 11
GUY: “So…what’s that you’re listening to?”
GIRL: “The sound of a jackass who doesn’t actually care what I think about music and who fails to realize the only reason I’m putting up with him is to score a tip off his beers.”
GUY: “Oh. Is that a new album?”
GIRL: “Nope. Girls have been listening to that shit forever.”
[_Super Exeunt_]