Top 7 Crazy-Shit Demos Rivers Cuomo Will Soon Release From His Seething Vault of Inner Turmoil

7. “Weezer (The Purple Song)”

The comebacks start happening on the track level. This one turns out to be a remake of “Buddy Holly,” but the twist for the new millennium is they took out all the hooks and left in the suck.

6. “Buzzcut”

Sample lyric: “I was highly intelligent / Come on, please / Screw the delicate / Special goodness in me!’”

5. “Dude, I Am Touching Pluto, and It Feels Awesome”

The holy grail of Songs From the Black Hole enthusiasts. Get your bootlegs and fire up your sequencers, this track solves several remaining mysteries about the relationship between Jonus and Maria, even though it’s just Rivers reciting his grocery list after seven minutes of complete silence.

4. “Power Chords”

Rivers, at wits end with trying to “break it down to its most basic elements,” simply narrates what he’s doing with his voice and hands.

3. “A Tongue to Remember”

A song about a bunch of bands Rivers liked as a kid. Like Kiss. Again.

2. “To Flo”

“He’s the uncle of a girl / My mother says hello / This final statement / Please state me dated / Stamped on the ribbon of the Flo // You want to know / There’s a peacenik / Cardigans all fleece-knit / Singing a song / That I wrote too long ago / Saying Kermit, Kermit / I feel undotted / But Kermit’s got the frogs 2nite … (And Scott says ‘Alright’) / ‘Cos Oh can’t you hear / The blissful prospect of being so near / It’s my mouth and your ear / And I sing because that’s what I’m here / For / Flo.”

1. “Mo’ Tats”

A Matt Sharp and Mikey Welsh diss track performed, at Rivers’ behest, by Scott Shriner. Contains a few very unfortunate references to Mikey’s mental health problems.