Top 10 Worst (Fictional) Supergroup Albums

10. The Flavela’s (Flavor Flav and the La’s): Fly Velour

Flava Flav offsets the sugary sonics of the La’s by talking shit between their vocal lines. Mostly, he just keeps saying variations on “There she goes again. Mmph!” even though Lee Mavers has written a whole bunch of new songs. Reportedly, Flav heard his new bandmates were “the British dudes who did that song one time.” Plus, “I was the first person to ever be asked back to Celebrity Roast twice, so I didn’t have a whole lot of time in the studio.” Also plus: “who doesn’t want to watch a ‘her’ go. Mmm Hmm!” Well…maybe this is just the smartest promo-protection ever?

9. Britney Spears f/ Timbaland and, posthumously, John Cage: Gimme Less (4’33’‘ sessions)

In a bid to pull himself out of the doldrums he’s found himself in, Timbaland has apparently decided to take the artsy route. Like, real artsy. Conceptually, actually, I think the idea of remixing John Cage tracks into beats for the new Britney Spears album (who, let’s face it, has nothing to lose at this point) is awesome, except: Timbaland sucks (now), Britney Spears sucks (now), and “4’33’‘” sucks (at least in practice). Essentially, these tracks take “minimal” into a whole new dimension, with Timbaland trying to build club tracks out of chairs creaking. Plus, you thought Spears looked awkward at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards? Hearing her jam over a track built out of a different audience’s uncomfortability only adds to how uncomfortable her present audience already feels. If this was even 5 years ago I might be charitable enough towards Timbaland to assume that was his point. As it is: this is still waaay better than “Give it to Me.”

8. Oysterhead: The Grand Pecking Order

Um…whoops! Nothing to see here.

7. CNRD (Steve Jansen, Roger Taylor, and David Barbarossa): Beating Hearts

CNRD stands for the Confederacy of New Romantic Drummers; Beating Hearts is exactly that: a bunch of drummers from early 1980s bands making an album together. Japan’s Steve Jansen notes, “all of us had joined a support group. I mean, it was hard to get over all those roto toms and ‘play around the drum machine’ comments. We wanted to, you know, do something for ourselves.” Bandmate (and Duran Duran drummer) Roger Taylor agrees: “it’s so fucking nice to do something without Le Bon flouncing like the little shit he is in front of me.” So…what does it sound like? Um…I’m going to say the musical equivalent of Lego. Adam & the Ants/Bow Wow Wow drummer David Barbarossa puts it unintentionally best: “we thought, ‘what would it sound like if three New Romantic drummers got together and made an album?’ And then we realized that there was absolutely no template for this sort of thing. So we just played drums. We just…played.” Yeah: they…play some drums. For 57 minutes. Boom.

6. Wes Borland f/ Special Gueststars: Duets

Eager to finally put the Durst behind him, Borland has invited a whole slew of indie darlings to join him on his latest attempt to actually mean something outside of his awesome contact lense collection. First Ryan Adams signed on, shouting “first! I’m awesome!” Then Flavor Flav signed on, saying “I’ve been signed on since 1942, Adams, so: yeah.” Jay-Z had nothing better to do, so then Kanye West had even more nothing better to do, so then Timbaland was all, “I’m producing this whole thing.” So then Nelly Furtado (who?) and One Republic (who?) showed up, and suddenly that dude from Death Cab for Cutie was all up in this shit, and then ?uestlove was all, “I’m playing drums on this whole thing,” and then Timbaland got mad and quit, and then swallowed his pride and joined up again, and this whole thing is totally going to be released early next year. Well…I mean, this worked to revitalize Elton John’s career, I guess.

Reportedly, Durst had this to say: “dude! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of writing the sequel to Iron John with Toby Keith? I am sooooo too awesome to care.”

5. Slow and Easy (Todd Rundgren, Kevin Shields, Brian Wilson): TBA.

Jeff Magnum may or may not be writing tracks for this album. That’s all I’m going to say, since saying anything about this may cause the world to explode. Except: somewhere, Steve Albini still doesn’t care.

4. The Kevin Allstars (Kevin Richardson, Kevin Drew, Kevin Federline, Kevin Costner, and Kevin Smith): Kevination

So, Kevin Richardson from the Backstreet Boys wanted something new to do, so he called up Kevin Drew, who thought this was just weirdly ironic enough that it might make him look cooler, so then he called up Kevin Federline to make it even more like that, and then K-Fed called Kevin Costner, who didn’t want to take his call at first but also was looking for a way to get hip with the kids these days like Harrison Ford did when he fucked Ben Affleck and so, anyway, this isn’t even really a band. It’s a game of Chinese telephone. Because of #5, Kevin Shields refused to produce. But then, fortuitously, Kevin Smith was all, “I can totally produce an album.” The lead single is reportedly called, “He Ain’t Kevy (He’s My Brother).”

3. Genemisfits (Peter Gabriel and Glen Danzig): I Turned Into a Dry English Joke Americans Will Only Partially Get

Pissed that both of their respective bandnames are being used by former bandmates, Gabriel and Danzig decided to unite forces. They called Roger Waters, but we can all guess how that went. Anyway, surprisingly, this sounds nothing like either parent group, or even their solo work. It’s essentially Danzig on keyboards and Gabriel on flute. Apparently they watched Definitely, Maybe together; Gabriel noted, “the movie was shit, but we could both make easy money soundtracking crap like that.” Danzig added, “We’re also thinking of starting a reality program to promote ourselves. Gabriel & Glen. See the alliteration? Huh?”

2. Celine Dion f/ Elton John: …Sings Lil’ Mama

I…don’t think I can improve on that title.

1. The Devastators (France Gall, Trapjaw, and Beeker): We’re Winning Your Souls!

Huh. Actually, this is an awesome idea. I even made a picture: