Hermetic: "We Ought to Be in Pictures"

Two Vancouver knuckleheads playing post-punk and naming themselves after a fetish zip: Hermetic are so much like Spinal Tap they should probably be featured in the next DVD. But unlike the Brit rockers who were “too big for small ham,” Hermetic seem in on the joke, having just got round to recording this live favorite that’s been rattling their local beer-and-shot bars since 2010. Rattling them for a few seconds anyway, until the duo reveal their bizarre trump card.

Because while the zig-zag riffs, fuzz pedals, and bashed drums are all indicative of a monster truck anthem, the testosterone stops dead with Bart Newman’s voice, which sounds like Sigur Rós thrown into a biker bar. “I can’t take another Hollywood love song,” he squeals, completely at odds to his stripped-down White Stripe sound and derailing his bid for Grunge Tune to be Included in Feature Film Soundtrack. (If Dashboard Confessional could do it with Spider-Man 2, anything’s possible.) Though only a minute-and-a-half long the song goes round in circles like a drunk wearing out carpet, and while you could possibly picture Andrew Garfield busting spidey skate moves to it, he’d have to be too wasted to ever first develop superpowers, and instead be more into singing falsetto, and falling around like he used to.