By Braff's Beak | 1 August 2006
Well, let me tell you what will change your life: 20 minutes of cardio everyday and tissues with aloe. Pulpy orange juice. A nice steam bath. You see, I have simple directives that govern my simple life; can’t be blamed for grammar mistakes. Can’t be blamed that English is my second language. I think I’m doing well for a self-didact, fantastically for a goddamned nose.
Alright. Excuse me, I’m not trying to sound bitter. Mostly I use the time the good Lord gives me, even when I’m little more than an object of ridicule, just a bulbous quirk atop my man-boy host. He is a burgeoning talent after all and I’m expected to stay out of the way. Mind my manners and such. Frankly, I’ve been an uncooperative orifice, and so, as I should expect, after twenty odd years, a latent distrust’s been forged between us two. For the longest time, we were the best of friends. He cherished my differences and I relished his company. We were two peas in a pod, partners in crime, pals beyond belief. That is, until his bit parts became syndicated starring roles and, like his comedy, our relationship became a serialized joke. I went from equal to sidekick overnight. Stock tale, I know, but what can you do? Needless to say, I didn’t take kindly to this development. Soon we were squabbling all the time. On a number of occasions, the police department had to be called. Mighty embarrassing. No doubt about it, he’d come to regret my very existence, and I wasn’t too happy with him either. In fact, I distinctly remember him standing in front of the mirror one July morning in 2003, and I was in some cantankerous mood because of the LA heat. A bit congested. I mean, the humidity’s just killer out there sometimes. I stared at him, at us, and I told him he was no Dustin Hoffman, that’s for sure. He cut me with a razor. Ever since, I’ve sorta kept to myself. Trust goes both ways. That’s for sure.
Anyway, I’ve been relegated to doing my work at night while my human’s sleeping. As soon as I know his eyes are twitching under those puppy dog eyelids, I drag him out of bed and across the floor. It’s tough going, but the good Lord’s granted me a natural hook, so I’m able to get a grip on the carpet fibers and lug the wispy guy towards the computer. I’m still trying to develop an original voice, and typing isn’t easy for a honker like me, but I do my best. Eventually toward morning, I get something down, get it saved, and then the guy awakes. The first time I attempted this tiny ritual, he woke up terrified and missed a lunch engagement with Elliot Gould. I guess that was the last bridge to be burned. Later, I told him Ian Holm needed a bigger role. He didn’t listen. Then I implied that Coldplay wasn’t hip anymore. No dice. Sad, really. We’ve just grown apart.
When Cokemachineglow asked me to compose a podcast, I decided not to tell Zach. I was thrilled, and I wanted to share the experience with him, ya know, but I was afraid he’d still hold a grudge, assert dominance again, all that crazy showbusiness guff. On the sly, I put together a playlist, one that I think suits me and my organic ease. Awkward chunky stuff, yeah, but those’re all I know.
It’s sad, really, that Zach might never hear this. I pray that if he did, he’d be proud. We’ve been some great places together, man, had some awesome times (if I could wink.straight at you, Mandy). I hope he understands what I’ve done. Sigh. This one’s for you, darling. I love you.
1. Frog Eyes: “Caravan Breakers”
- (0:01 – 6:10)
- from Daytrotter.com
2. The Black Keys*: “Just Got to Be”
- (6:11 – 9:05)
- from Magic Potion, out now on Nonesuch
3. Chad VanGaalen: “Mini T.V.‘s”
4. The Hidden Cameras: “AWOO”
5. Adem: “Launch yourself”
- (14:30 – 17:59)
- from Love and other planets, out now on Domino
6. M. Ward: “To Go Home”
- (18:00 – 21:39)
- from Post-War, out now on Merge
*7. Andre Ethier “Didn’t I Love You Better Than Him”
- (21:40 – 24:14)
- from Secondathallum, out now on Paper Bag
8. Gotye: “Learnalilgivinanlovin”
- (24:15 – 27:00)
- from Like Drawing Blood, out now on Creative Vibes
9. White Whale: “The Admiral”
- (27:01 – 30:52)
- from WWI, out now on Merge